‘Instant Massacring’ short story

Here’s a new short story for anyone who fancies a very quick read- it’s written as a single text conversation… for the craic. 

 




Instant Massacring
by Simon Maltman
 
(Transcription provided by Police Service Northern Ireland of text message conversation between Colin Irvine and Brenda Irvine.)
 
…
​
​Colin-​​Wheres me coffee?
 
​Brenda-    Brewing now ffs
 
​Colin-    Bet ur sitting on your arse, not even boiled the kettle yet wink emoji
 
​Brenda- ​Angry emoji Maybe you should come downstairs and make it yourself! You’re on the shitter I bet.
​
​Colin-     Maybe

 
​Brenda- ​Not in the en-suite?!
 
​Colin-​    Maybe
 
​Brenda-       fucksake 
vomit emoji
 
​Colin-​​  haha
 
​Brenda-​Every feckin night- nine on the buttonyou stinkoid! At least we’re out in the sticks where noone else can smell you.
 
​Colin-​   True. Could just put it down to that ‘country air’ anyway.
 
​Brenda-​Your precious coffee is on now. xo
 
​Colin-​Thank you love of mine xo
 
​Brenda- ​rolling eyes emoji love you too xo
 
​Colin-​​You’re sexy
 
​Brenda- ​No chance!
​
​Colin-​​sad face emoji
 
​Brenda- ​you’re lucky I’m making your lazy asthma a coffee
 
​Colin-​​excuse me?
 
​Brenda-​Ass!! Ffs predictive text
 
​Colin-​​I don’t think its very PC to call asthmatics lazy
 
​Brenda- ​dick
 
​Colin-​​you have a foul mouth I dont know why I married you… but seeing as you did- would you bring that cake up when ur coming?
 
​Brenda- ​eye rolling emoji eye rolling emoji
​
​Colin-​​Thanks kid
 
​Brenda- ​Was that u?
 
​Colin-​​Was what me?
 
​Brenda- ​That bang
 
​Colin-​​Eh?
 
​Brenda- ​There again. Wtf are you at?
 
​Colin-​​I’m not doing anything. I heard something there though right enough
 
​Brenda- ​shit. What is that?
​
​Colin-​​Maybe the cooker was scared you were going to try and use it and ran away xo
 
​Brenda- ​No I’m serious- it was really loud. sounded like the back door- come and look Colin
 
​Colin-​​I need to wipe up!
 
​Brenda-​Ffs what a hero
​
​Colin-​​gimme a minute
 
​Brenda- ​I’ll look then
 
​ someoneshere! ringg police
 
​Colin-​Are you joking?
 
​Brenda- ​no! omg the glass is smashed in the back door and its lying open
​
​Colin-​​fuck ill ring them now- hide somewhere love
 
​Brenda- ​there no time- wd take half an hour- get somethng- help me
 
​Colin-​right hang on im out on the landing. I ccant see anything. are u hidden- are u sure someoneesis here??
 
​Brenda?
 
​Brenda- ​hes here
 
​Colin-​​Who? Whats happening??
 
​Brenda- ​im hiding under the table
 
​ Fuck- he just walked past me
 
​Colin-​​ur honestly not messing me about?
 
​Brenda- ​im fucking not!! Fucksake!
 
​ he looks crazy
​
​Colin-​​ok, try and not make any noise. Theres a baseball bat in the end room- ill go across and try and be quiet. Whats he doing now?
 
​Brenda- ​I don’t kow. He came from the back hall. I ra and ducked in unde the kitchen table
 
​Colin-​​are u well hidden? Can u grab a knife or something??
 
​Brenda-​I think im hidden. I don’t want to come out from here
 
​Fuck hes coming!
 
​Colin-​​Bfrenda?
 
​whats happening?
 
​Brenda- ​jesus- he just came past. He looks nuts! Fuck. Hes carrying a huge knife. 
 
​Colin-​​my god. Kid- keep yourself hidden! Right- im gona creep across the landing
 
​Brenda- ​be careful
​
​Colin-​​I love you
 
​Brenda- ​love you too
 
​Colin shhhh! Stop- I can hear you!
 
​Colin-​​shit. Im nearly there
 
​Brenda- ​ok- quietly!
 
​Colin-​​im I the spare room- where is he?
 
​Brenda- ​don’t know- he came back through a second ago- I think hes in the dining room 
 
​Colin-​​ok ill come down- u stay there
 
​Brenda- ​wait a minute. I don’t know if he heard you
​
​Colin-​​ok
​I love you
 
​Brenda- ​col- hes fuckin terrifying. Wild eyes, long greasy hair- carying a big fucking knife
 
​Colin-​​its gonna be ok love
 
​Brenda-​I love you. I can’t believe this is hppening.
 
​I don’t know wher he is. Maybe u should just come down. Im gonna try and text 999. we could run for it?
 
​Colin- what do you think?
​
​ru ok? Im scared.
 
​Colin!!
 
​Colin-​​Are you still under the kitchen table?
 
​Brenda- ​Yes- thak god I thought something had happened to you xo
​
​Colin-​​Stay put. 
 
​Brenda-​ok I will xo
 
​Colin-​​Btw Colin’s dead.
 
…


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