‘Instant Massacring’ short story
Here’s a new short story for anyone who fancies a very quick read- it’s written as a single text conversation… for the craic.
Instant Massacring
by Simon Maltman
(Transcription provided by Police Service Northern Ireland of text message conversation between Colin Irvine and Brenda Irvine.)
…
Colin-Wheres me coffee?
Brenda- Brewing now ffs
Colin- Bet ur sitting on your arse, not even boiled the kettle yet wink emoji
Brenda- Angry emoji Maybe you should come downstairs and make it yourself! You’re on the shitter I bet.
Colin- Maybe
Brenda- Not in the en-suite?!
Colin- Maybe
Brenda- fucksake
vomit emoji
Colin- haha
Brenda-Every feckin night- nine on the buttonyou stinkoid! At least we’re out in the sticks where noone else can smell you.
Colin- True. Could just put it down to that ‘country air’ anyway.
Brenda-Your precious coffee is on now. xo
Colin-Thank you love of mine xo
Brenda- rolling eyes emoji love you too xo
Colin-You’re sexy
Brenda- No chance!
Colin-sad face emoji
Brenda- you’re lucky I’m making your lazy asthma a coffee
Colin-excuse me?
Brenda-Ass!! Ffs predictive text
Colin-I don’t think its very PC to call asthmatics lazy
Brenda- dick
Colin-you have a foul mouth I dont know why I married you… but seeing as you did- would you bring that cake up when ur coming?
Brenda- eye rolling emoji eye rolling emoji
Colin-Thanks kid
Brenda- Was that u?
Colin-Was what me?
Brenda- That bang
Colin-Eh?
Brenda- There again. Wtf are you at?
Colin-I’m not doing anything. I heard something there though right enough
Brenda- shit. What is that?
Colin-Maybe the cooker was scared you were going to try and use it and ran away xo
Brenda- No I’m serious- it was really loud. sounded like the back door- come and look Colin
Colin-I need to wipe up!
Brenda-Ffs what a hero
Colin-gimme a minute
Brenda- I’ll look then
someoneshere! ringg police
Colin-Are you joking?
Brenda- no! omg the glass is smashed in the back door and its lying open
Colin-fuck ill ring them now- hide somewhere love
Brenda- there no time- wd take half an hour- get somethng- help me
Colin-right hang on im out on the landing. I ccant see anything. are u hidden- are u sure someoneesis here??
Brenda?
Brenda- hes here
Colin-Who? Whats happening??
Brenda- im hiding under the table
Fuck- he just walked past me
Colin-ur honestly not messing me about?
Brenda- im fucking not!! Fucksake!
he looks crazy
Colin-ok, try and not make any noise. Theres a baseball bat in the end room- ill go across and try and be quiet. Whats he doing now?
Brenda- I don’t kow. He came from the back hall. I ra and ducked in unde the kitchen table
Colin-are u well hidden? Can u grab a knife or something??
Brenda-I think im hidden. I don’t want to come out from here
Fuck hes coming!
Colin-Bfrenda?
whats happening?
Brenda- jesus- he just came past. He looks nuts! Fuck. Hes carrying a huge knife.
Colin-my god. Kid- keep yourself hidden! Right- im gona creep across the landing
Brenda- be careful
Colin-I love you
Brenda- love you too
Colin shhhh! Stop- I can hear you!
Colin-shit. Im nearly there
Brenda- ok- quietly!
Colin-im I the spare room- where is he?
Brenda- don’t know- he came back through a second ago- I think hes in the dining room
Colin-ok ill come down- u stay there
Brenda- wait a minute. I don’t know if he heard you
Colin-ok
I love you
Brenda- col- hes fuckin terrifying. Wild eyes, long greasy hair- carying a big fucking knife
Colin-its gonna be ok love
Brenda-I love you. I can’t believe this is hppening.
I don’t know wher he is. Maybe u should just come down. Im gonna try and text 999. we could run for it?
Colin- what do you think?
ru ok? Im scared.
Colin!!
Colin-Are you still under the kitchen table?
Brenda- Yes- thak god I thought something had happened to you xo
Colin-Stay put.
Brenda-ok I will xo
Colin-Btw Colin’s dead.
…
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