Simon Maltman Blogs

I like to occasionally put up a lighthearted ‘noir’ inspired parenting short story- here’s a bit of flash fiction ...  After The Big Sleep: A Parenting Noir The clock said that it wasn’t quite 8am. The atmosphere was already hostile. The temperature had been dropping rapidly. The three of us sat there in a rare moment of silence, the toast and porridge cooling on the table. Rain beat noisily against the window.  “I don’t like butter,” announced the six year old gruffly.  I didn’t react right away, composing myself.  “You liked it okay yesterday,” I replied evenly.  I picked up my coffee, drinking deeply, keeping my eyes set ahead. She was agitated. Her face contorted as if she was being forced to eat glass.  “Meow!” Screeched the cat from beside the table, demanding his own breakfast. “This is yucky,” broke in the three year old, spitting and spraying her porridge out all over the table.  I set my mug down, my hand ...

And are there more Latte Pappas in Northern Ireland than you might think? I only came across the term quite recently myself. It originated in Sweden and primarily referred to fathers who were able to spend more time with their kids, due to the forward thinking parental leave laws.  Dads could be spotted out in the cafe's with their kids, while the mums were back at work. It was part of a wider strategy to promote both parents taking a more active role in parenting. Now, I don't really care for latte, but I love a flat white! When I was still at work, I found taking parental leave a battle, despite some recent improvements in our own legislation. There seemed to be no importance placed on family life. When I booked a third week of unpaid leave for each of my children's births, I was practically vilified- despite the option being protected in law. The first time my manager said I had to approach all my co-workers and ask their 'permission' to take the leave th...

Solo Parenting at the Park: A Noir (Based on a True Story) I swung the old Ford in beside a tree, as it wheezed its gratitude. It seemed pleased to have a rest out in the sun. My journey was only just beginning. I reluctantly switched off the engine and prepared myself. "Can I bring my bike?" asked the four year old from the backseat. "Gah," said the baby beside her, a warning-shot; I'd better get moving. What was I thinking? Taking both to a park... Alone! This, just after a trip to the doctor's, where the four year old had cunningly hidden polystyrene up her nose. Even the cops wouldn't have found it there. "Okay," I agreed, not thinking it through, not realising the torture that would soon follow. We made it to the park, the four year old running a few lights on her wheels, but nothing too serious. There were a couple of disagreements between my two associates on the way in as well- but only a slap or two exchanged. All was...

10 things I didn't know before Fatherhood! ...and nobody told me :) Being a Father is the best thing in the world and I'm lucky to be largely a stay home Dad at the moment. But ..here is a lighthearted look at some of the things you don't know beforehand!  1. Priorities Most people expect their priorities to change, but maybe don't expect how much their perspective will shift on things. I was watching The Vikings last night and I turned and said to my wife, "He's got a great plait." Everything looks different after kids. 2. Needing new skills There are many new skills you must develop. For example, poo in the bath is trickier to clean up than you might think. Where do you pour the water? Should you try to 'fish' first? Never mind what to do with the now wet and poo-stained baby in the first place! 3. 8.15am is a lie in This is self explanatory and my wife and I let each other have this haven once a week. And yes y...